of realities and probabilities... & everything else in between...

floating on air

2006-04-04T19:56:00.000+08:00

so this is how it feels...

the giddiness has passed. there is just this sense of complete calm and happiness in knowing that i made it!!! i passed the bar!!!!!!!

as i embark on yet another journey of my life, i would like to thank the people who made this possible (yes, i feel like i'm an Oscar winner.)...

arlene - my rock & my strength (she is not God, but in my bar review, she was my guardian angel...). gf, you gave me hope when i had none. thank you. thank you. thank you. you and pat are the best tag-team, ever. thanks for driving me around, and am sorry for the scratch on your car... :) and yes, i would have given up in the middle of the fight if not for your obstinacy and insane belief in me. :)

mich and spocky - you were my guiding light. sometimes my firm disciplinarians, most times my father rooster & mother hen... you gave me comfort just when i needed it. anytime, all the time... and spocky, thank you. you were always my inspiration... :) (if you could do it... hehehe...)

jolette - my brutal wake up call. you were the eyes that made me realize that bar review wasn't supposed to be a time for fun. you were always brutally frank and fresh, sometimes i wanted to bash you, but i couldn't, lest i 'earn' bad karma... good that i never gave in to the urges. haha. (oh. and thanks for making me cry. again.)

jard - my 24-hour emergency text and 911 lecture service all-in-one. thank you. i always feel stupid when you're around, but boy, am i so glad i always had you around... :) haha. labo.... :)

jary - always Bar #1 in my heart, whatever bar year... thank you for the early morning reading and memory refreshers. your voice was the echo that triggered my memory... what i had of it, anyway. and your smiling face fueled my creativity :) thank you!

UPLaw 2004E - MY batch. in my heart, in my mind. thank you sooo much for all the prayers, help, support, food & coffee!!! debby & asia - thanks for the commercial law refresher!

to my family - i know i was a b*itch. and i know you just let me get away with it. but thank you for the patience, understanding and 200% support that you gave me. i feel blessed. i am blessed.

randy - you were the life i was not supposed to lead, but i led it anyway. you were my #1 disciplinarian. and you were also my #1 distraction. your support and strength carried me through... you kept me sane at a time when books and books were supposed to be my best friends. thank you dear... maybe after a week, we can really believe that this is for real and not just a figment of our hyperactive imaginations :)

and of course, to God - all this would not have been possible without YOU. thank you for finding me worthy. thank you for hearing my prayers (and the prayers of all the makulit people who wanted me to pass!!!). i hope not to disappoint.

life awaits.

after i take my oath, i hope to practice law in the grand manner.

and i hope i become a great lawyer.

pathetic...

2006-03-22T12:06:00.000+08:00

i'm sick.
i'm scared shit.

march 30 is it.

i will mope.
but more will i hope...

please God... Fates... Destiny...

may you hear my plea...

blabbering

2006-03-16T18:52:00.000+08:00

no, i am not part of the opposition senators being alluded to by joker arroyo. but my heart belongs to the opposition. and tonight, i just want to blabber away.

feb was a good month.

i got to go home to leyte to help in the region-wide medical & surgical mission. i also met up with a few grade school classmates while i was there. i thought i had discovered that i am now a totally different person from the girl/woman/she-devil that i was more than a year back, only to realize that the propensity (not to save) just still might be there. (whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, i just don't know.) and, yes, i likewise discovered that just like stella, the groove is still within me. hahaha.

the law firm is up & running, alive & ready to kick ass. my apprehensions remain: i have no business being part of the start-up team considering that i am NOT (as yet??? hope. hope...) a lawyer, but the calls of frienship had to be heeded. not to discount the fact that i was not required to give 100% of the contribution outright. all of my reasons to defer my 'membership' were shot down. bang.

and using the powers of UNLIMITXT, i forwarded, created, and forwarded some more messages of the seditious, rebellious kind. cry justice. cry freedom.

march is here.

first week was very bad. caught a cold virus, which turned out to be a viral throat infection. had fever for three days, stayed in bed/at home for a total of five days. for the first time in years, i strictly followed doctor's orders. one thing i noticed: getting sick, and getting well just isn't quite the same as it was 5, even 3, years ago. i think this is what they call "getting old."

a dear inuman partner is dead. (appropriate tribute in my accompanying blog) he will be buried this saturday in loyola marikina, where my brother and allen are also buried. so i guess whether dead or alive, the 6 degrees of kevin bacon thing still applies. me - my brother - my partner - their whole barkada - allen - clark. (i do not intend to be insensitive. but isn't it cool?)

oh. the SC has apparently released the news that the results are definitely coming out BEFORE april.

f*ck.

but to end on a light, happy, sunshiny note: happy 15th month, dear dear..... :-*

la lang...

2006-01-24T20:15:00.000+08:00

february daw lalabas.

creepy.

and just last night, jolette told me that nats called him all the way from greece just to ask about me.

j: o, musta?
n: musta si plang?
j: ha??? bakit mo natanong?
n: kasi napanaginipan kong namatay sya. pakisabi mag-ingat sya.

creepy creepy...

hammering home

2006-01-23T15:48:00.000+08:00

my last memory (memories…?) of tito rene was his calls. he frequently called home looking for my mom, his youngest sister (and his obvious favorite in the family). if mom wasn’t home, he would settle for a conversation with me. or wan. or nicx. it came to a point where he would call just to talk to anyone, including manang ver, our faithful lavandera.

he was a lonely man. and up to the end, we knew he was a lonely man.

we, his extended family, could not do anything because his nuclear family – wife & five kids – was, and still is, alive and well and very much around. only they couldn’t care less about the state their father was in. and they weren’t really around. last year (or was it 2 years ago?), my tita separated from my tito, leaving him with a houseboy to care for him. she had a new house built, and brought all their children with her.

their children? the youngest is in high school, the eldest is a 26-year old who still hasn’t graduated from college. they aren’t “children” anymore, but i guess when it came to choosing between a disabled, depressed father and a mom who gave them all their hearts’ desires, maturity and responsibility just doesn’t come into play.

i am rambling because i want this to end. i want him to rest in peace. and if i need to write all these thoughts down just to really let go, i will.

fuck you, tita. you could have waited until he died. or tried to keep up pretenses until he was at least well enough to handle the truth. i know you tried, but did you really, really try to help him get back on his feet? every time i would talk to you, you would make yabang about how hard you’ve been working just to give your children the life they deserved, since your husband was a good-for-nothing retired engineer.

(by the way, i heard you’re having an affair with a man you met in your couples for christ group…? i hope the sex is good. and the conversation, perhaps. at least now that tito is dead, you’re not committing adultery anymore. oh. i forgot. your lover’s married.)

to my cousins. i dread to think of the future that’s in store for you. i wish you well. you may blame your immaturity on your parents’ twisted marriage, but trust me, you can only go so far. the sins of your parents are your parents’ alone. your sins and your weaknesses are all yours to bear. your dad was lonely. all he needed was attention. and you couldn’t even give it to him coz you were all too busy living your own lives, choosing mom coz she bought you the latest cellphones and your much-longed-for designer clothes. fuck you too.

if or when you find it in your hearts to be really sorry for all your omissions and mistakes, let us know. until then, we will grieve for your dad. he deserved a life so much more than what you gave him.

rest in peace, tito. i know that wherever you may be, it can’t be as bad as the cold house you just left.

buzz off

2006-01-10T08:54:00.000+08:00

don't ask me how i'm sleeping... you don't really know what i'm going through.

don't "inform" me that poli god is done with checking, or that rem god is 65% done coz he's a really demanding examiner... you're not part of the 100% who's waiting for the results.

don't relay to me the "news" that the committee has informally decided to pass only 25% for the 2005 bar... you should cross your fingers that i be part of that 25% if that "news" is true.

don't ask me if i took the bar... you know. you're just rubbing it in.

don't tell me to just wait and pray... you should just wait for the results, like me, and pray harder for me, as i am doing.

and don't tell me it's 2006 and that the release of results is just a few months away...
coz i know. i really, really, really know.

2006

2006-01-03T11:24:00.000+08:00

the best, weirdest, craziest, most creepy new year's greeting i got through text:

may the god of civil law perfect upon you consent,
may the god of criminal law bless you with exempting circumstances for every sin you commit,
may the god of labor law give you premium pay for all your extra efforts,
may the god of taxation never tax you beyond your capacity,
may the god of mercantile law never restrictively indorse you,
may the god of political law never deny you due process,
and may the god of remedial law never let you run out of remedies for every cause of action you may have.
amen.

the day of reckoning is almost at hand. let the nightmares come more often...

homebody

2005-11-07T12:38:00.000+08:00

i dislike staying home. if i do, i have to be armed with lots of dvds, books and food (or at least have one of my bros stay home so i have an errand boy in case i crave for something from FCM). and that is precisely what i did this last weekend.

after 5 weekends of sleeping over at the bf's place, i knew it was time to stay put at home for at least 2 days. 2 days of talking to my mom and eating for free. 2 days of glorious dvd quality time (never mind that i finished watching all my 'new' titles on friday night alone). 2 days of talking to the bf over the phone instead of being together.

i didn't make it without going out of the house at least once a day. friday, i got home around lunchtime from the bf's place. saturday, i met up with lumen for a few drinks, pizza, pasta & sushi. (yep! curious mix, but when you're quite drunk, food combinations don't matter too much...) sunday, i went to FCM and scolded a pharmacy clerk for being too dead-ma.

at least i resisted the urge to go to pandacan, despite the bf's pleas for company and... uh... sustenance :) and while i think i could have spent more time with my mom had i accompanied her to my tito's place in lagro, i think i was a relatively good, well-behaved eldest daughter the past weekend.

...now back to the real world.

ex-future in-laws

2005-11-03T11:07:00.000+08:00

i spent the weekend in nueva ecija with randy, art, oakie and all of randy's relatives from his mom's side. it felt really funny, considering i have never met the bf's parents (they're US immigrants who haven't come home for a visit since i became the son's gf) but i do get to talk to them on the phone once in a while. they are nice, lovely people who are interested in me and what i do, and i have never noticed traces nor hints of disapproval in their voices during our conversations. i love his dad most. he has this warm, hearty voice that never fails to amuse me and a sorta-pakialamero nature that i have gotten used to and now find funny. (anak, have you changed the sheets? nakakahiya sa gf mo... o, hija, i just sent the monthly house allowance kanina. inyo yan, i-budget nyo nalang ng maayos. kasama ka na dyan...) i can't wait to meet them, if not for anything else but to really see if they 'approve' of me.

because if they don't 'approve', they would be the first in a long line of "future in-laws." i kid you not.

sometimes i miss my ex-future in-laws. the parents of ex-es whom i have come to love dearly (more than their sons, i suppose) and who seek me out once in a while just to catch up on my life to make sure that their sons did not cause any serious, permanent psychological disturbance on my lovelife. they do not know that it was i who left those relationships. or if they do, i think they believe that if it weren't for what their son did or didn't do, i wouldn't have left.

i miss tita yolly the most. she's the mom of the latest ex, whom i went out with for practically all of my formative lawschool years. we could spend hours on the phone just talking about anything. when i slept over at their house, the sheets were always nice & clean, and the food fresh and yummy. given that she has 4 sons, i attributed her eagerness to the fact that she desperately needed female bonding. then i found out that she genuinely liked me for the son, over and above anyone else. and our own love affair began. hehehe...

we became really close during the period when i was just about to call it quits with the son. she asked for my patience and my indulgence. i ain't no mama mary, so it was quite difficult to do. but i persevered. i guess then, i really loved the guy, though he "loved" me and someone else and someone else and someone else too. tita yolly would tell me stories about how she & tito would quarrel, and how despite all that they were still together. i would tell her (1) i was not married to her son and (2) when she found out that tito had other women, she was already married to tito. she told me it meant a lot that i was the first girl he brought home to the family. i told her i may have been the first girl, but the second came less than a year after. the significance was lost on her.

when i couldn't take anymore of the bullsh#t the son was feeding me, i knew i was ready to move on. it was hard to say goodbye to the son, with his comical parting words of wag mo na ko hiwalayan. gawin mo nalang akong boy toy. but he knew it was over for me, so he let me go. it was tita yolly who couldn't let go. she would text me to call her, and i would. she cried when i told her i was leaving. i cried, too, knowing that things would never be the same between us. she told me she would really miss seeing me. i told her that we would still meet up once in a while to catch up on things. and that i would call her regularly to check up on her and her health.

that was in 2003.

i last saw her october of last year, at their house. we talked by their garden and she was very excited to see us (me & rochelle, another ex-future daughter-in-law). she even cried when she saw us... and it made me & rochelle feel guilty. we shouldn't have gone there, but we wanted to see her.

as for the phone calls, i called her a week before the bar exams began. tita, malapit na po... please pray for me. you know what she said? i have never stopped praying for you. pinagdasal ko na maka-graduate ka, nung sinabi mo na baka magka-problema ka. ngayon pa, e inaantay ko talaga maging lawyer ka na.

i couldn't help but cry in gratitude for her love and support, for our bonds that remain despite it not being meant to be.

paris to the moon

2005-10-26T15:49:00.000+08:00

i picked up this book by adam gopnik way back in december 2004. as i was at the height of my SLR (supervised legal research) paper panic mode, and i hooked up with my guy at around that time for a more-or-less semi-permanent floating basis, i forgot all about the book... and how the front cover called out to me from the shelf that night, almost a year ago.

well, up until yesterday, when i was scouring my bookshelf for something i hadn't yet read... (i desperately needed something to bring to work for all the downtime ahead of me while congress is in recess.)

PARIS!

i will never forget paris. never ever. had it not been for the bar, i would've found my way to europe last june... and gone to paris! to venice!!! (i love venice more than paris!!!) but i digress...

i remember i bought the book for two reasons: (1) it was a book about paris which was neither a travel guidebook nor romance fiction, and (2) i loooooved the cover.

i'd like to believe the child playing at the courtyard is gopnik's son. like him, i wanted to play and run around in the gardens of luxembourg when i was there. instead, i sat on the railings and, as an eager tourist is more wont to do, had yelle take my pic.

i will go back to paris someday.

in the meantime, i will immerse myself in gopnik's words... and imagine myself back in the city of lights, strolling home to kenny's pad on rue de milan near midnight, after spending yet another day of art, culture and life.

looking back (and hopefully moving on...)

2005-10-25T19:20:00.000+08:00

finally graduated from law school. made it through months of bar review. and managed to drag my ass to la salle for all 4 sundays of september to take the bar exams. now my life should go on...

not.

or at least not yet.

i miss law school. i miss cramming for class, and my perpetual coffee vendo-yosi breaks with pearl. i miss eating fish and chicken balls at manang's stall (sometimes on utang pa...). i miss rushing to school after going on undertime at work, just so i won't be late for dean magi's class... funny how most things re law school used to harangue and harass me. i never knew the day would come when i'd really miss them. apparently, it all got to me. the adrenaline-, caffeine-, nicotine- rush-filled days of yep-i'm trying-to-finish-law-school-while-working.

bar review was not as bad as most people describe it. for once i had an apparently legitimate reason for staying in front of the computer playing bookworm the whole morning or watching 3 movies in a row, all in the name of trying to find my 'study beat'... or (legitimately) sneaking off to my boyfriend's place for some good ol' peptalk... and more... much more...

making up for lost time wouldn't have been possible had my beloved housies nicky & rollyn not harassed and cajoled me to stick to my study table (physically and mentally!) in june. yeah, yeah... i now admit it. i started really studying in june... but the REAL studying came on the last week of july. super cramming to the max. kudos to red bull for the effortlessly sleepless nights.

blurry... blurred... exhilarated... exhausted... grateful... gratified... no words can describe the feeling of bar being finally over. (i will share more on this on my next posts)

hopefully over forever. (AND more on this, too...)

*****

am testing this. obviously a newbie, trying-hard-techie...

waaaaaah....