floating on air

so this is how it feels...

the giddiness has passed. there is just this sense of complete calm and happiness in knowing that i made it!!! i passed the bar!!!!!!!

as i embark on yet another journey of my life, i would like to thank the people who made this possible (yes, i feel like i'm an Oscar winner.)...

arlene - my rock & my strength (she is not God, but in my bar review, she was my guardian angel...). gf, you gave me hope when i had none. thank you. thank you. thank you. you and pat are the best tag-team, ever. thanks for driving me around, and am sorry for the scratch on your car... :) and yes, i would have given up in the middle of the fight if not for your obstinacy and insane belief in me. :)

mich and spocky - you were my guiding light. sometimes my firm disciplinarians, most times my father rooster & mother hen... you gave me comfort just when i needed it. anytime, all the time... and spocky, thank you. you were always my inspiration... :) (if you could do it... hehehe...)

jolette - my brutal wake up call. you were the eyes that made me realize that bar review wasn't supposed to be a time for fun. you were always brutally frank and fresh, sometimes i wanted to bash you, but i couldn't, lest i 'earn' bad karma... good that i never gave in to the urges. haha. (oh. and thanks for making me cry. again.)

jard - my 24-hour emergency text and 911 lecture service all-in-one. thank you. i always feel stupid when you're around, but boy, am i so glad i always had you around... :) haha. labo.... :)

jary - always Bar #1 in my heart, whatever bar year... thank you for the early morning reading and memory refreshers. your voice was the echo that triggered my memory... what i had of it, anyway. and your smiling face fueled my creativity :) thank you!

UPLaw 2004E - MY batch. in my heart, in my mind. thank you sooo much for all the prayers, help, support, food & coffee!!! debby & asia - thanks for the commercial law refresher!

to my family - i know i was a b*itch. and i know you just let me get away with it. but thank you for the patience, understanding and 200% support that you gave me. i feel blessed. i am blessed.

randy - you were the life i was not supposed to lead, but i led it anyway. you were my #1 disciplinarian. and you were also my #1 distraction. your support and strength carried me through... you kept me sane at a time when books and books were supposed to be my best friends. thank you dear... maybe after a week, we can really believe that this is for real and not just a figment of our hyperactive imaginations :)

and of course, to God - all this would not have been possible without YOU. thank you for finding me worthy. thank you for hearing my prayers (and the prayers of all the makulit people who wanted me to pass!!!). i hope not to disappoint.

life awaits.

after i take my oath, i hope to practice law in the grand manner.

and i hope i become a great lawyer.

pathetic...

i'm sick.
i'm scared shit.

march 30 is it.

i will mope.
but more will i hope...

please God... Fates... Destiny...

may you hear my plea...

blabbering

no, i am not part of the opposition senators being alluded to by joker arroyo. but my heart belongs to the opposition. and tonight, i just want to blabber away.

feb was a good month.

i got to go home to leyte to help in the region-wide medical & surgical mission. i also met up with a few grade school classmates while i was there. i thought i had discovered that i am now a totally different person from the girl/woman/she-devil that i was more than a year back, only to realize that the propensity (not to save) just still might be there. (whether that's a good thing or a bad thing, i just don't know.) and, yes, i likewise discovered that just like stella, the groove is still within me. hahaha.

the law firm is up & running, alive & ready to kick ass. my apprehensions remain: i have no business being part of the start-up team considering that i am NOT (as yet??? hope. hope...) a lawyer, but the calls of frienship had to be heeded. not to discount the fact that i was not required to give 100% of the contribution outright. all of my reasons to defer my 'membership' were shot down. bang.

and using the powers of UNLIMITXT, i forwarded, created, and forwarded some more messages of the seditious, rebellious kind. cry justice. cry freedom.

march is here.

first week was very bad. caught a cold virus, which turned out to be a viral throat infection. had fever for three days, stayed in bed/at home for a total of five days. for the first time in years, i strictly followed doctor's orders. one thing i noticed: getting sick, and getting well just isn't quite the same as it was 5, even 3, years ago. i think this is what they call "getting old."

a dear inuman partner is dead. (appropriate tribute in my accompanying blog) he will be buried this saturday in loyola marikina, where my brother and allen are also buried. so i guess whether dead or alive, the 6 degrees of kevin bacon thing still applies. me - my brother - my partner - their whole barkada - allen - clark. (i do not intend to be insensitive. but isn't it cool?)

oh. the SC has apparently released the news that the results are definitely coming out BEFORE april.

f*ck.

but to end on a light, happy, sunshiny note: happy 15th month, dear dear..... :-*

la lang...

february daw lalabas.

creepy.

and just last night, jolette told me that nats called him all the way from greece just to ask about me.

j: o, musta?
n: musta si plang?
j: ha??? bakit mo natanong?
n: kasi napanaginipan kong namatay sya. pakisabi mag-ingat sya.

creepy creepy...

hammering home

my last memory (memories…?) of tito rene was his calls. he frequently called home looking for my mom, his youngest sister (and his obvious favorite in the family). if mom wasn’t home, he would settle for a conversation with me. or wan. or nicx. it came to a point where he would call just to talk to anyone, including manang ver, our faithful lavandera.

he was a lonely man. and up to the end, we knew he was a lonely man.

we, his extended family, could not do anything because his nuclear family – wife & five kids – was, and still is, alive and well and very much around. only they couldn’t care less about the state their father was in. and they weren’t really around. last year (or was it 2 years ago?), my tita separated from my tito, leaving him with a houseboy to care for him. she had a new house built, and brought all their children with her.

their children? the youngest is in high school, the eldest is a 26-year old who still hasn’t graduated from college. they aren’t “children” anymore, but i guess when it came to choosing between a disabled, depressed father and a mom who gave them all their hearts’ desires, maturity and responsibility just doesn’t come into play.

i am rambling because i want this to end. i want him to rest in peace. and if i need to write all these thoughts down just to really let go, i will.

fuck you, tita. you could have waited until he died. or tried to keep up pretenses until he was at least well enough to handle the truth. i know you tried, but did you really, really try to help him get back on his feet? every time i would talk to you, you would make yabang about how hard you’ve been working just to give your children the life they deserved, since your husband was a good-for-nothing retired engineer.

(by the way, i heard you’re having an affair with a man you met in your couples for christ group…? i hope the sex is good. and the conversation, perhaps. at least now that tito is dead, you’re not committing adultery anymore. oh. i forgot. your lover’s married.)

to my cousins. i dread to think of the future that’s in store for you. i wish you well. you may blame your immaturity on your parents’ twisted marriage, but trust me, you can only go so far. the sins of your parents are your parents’ alone. your sins and your weaknesses are all yours to bear. your dad was lonely. all he needed was attention. and you couldn’t even give it to him coz you were all too busy living your own lives, choosing mom coz she bought you the latest cellphones and your much-longed-for designer clothes. fuck you too.

if or when you find it in your hearts to be really sorry for all your omissions and mistakes, let us know. until then, we will grieve for your dad. he deserved a life so much more than what you gave him.

rest in peace, tito. i know that wherever you may be, it can’t be as bad as the cold house you just left.

buzz off

don't ask me how i'm sleeping... you don't really know what i'm going through.

don't "inform" me that poli god is done with checking, or that rem god is 65% done coz he's a really demanding examiner... you're not part of the 100% who's waiting for the results.

don't relay to me the "news" that the committee has informally decided to pass only 25% for the 2005 bar... you should cross your fingers that i be part of that 25% if that "news" is true.

don't ask me if i took the bar... you know. you're just rubbing it in.

don't tell me to just wait and pray... you should just wait for the results, like me, and pray harder for me, as i am doing.

and don't tell me it's 2006 and that the release of results is just a few months away...
coz i know. i really, really, really know.

2006

the best, weirdest, craziest, most creepy new year's greeting i got through text:

may the god of civil law perfect upon you consent,
may the god of criminal law bless you with exempting circumstances for every sin you commit,
may the god of labor law give you premium pay for all your extra efforts,
may the god of taxation never tax you beyond your capacity,
may the god of mercantile law never restrictively indorse you,
may the god of political law never deny you due process,
and may the god of remedial law never let you run out of remedies for every cause of action you may have.
amen.

the day of reckoning is almost at hand. let the nightmares come more often...